eeeee

okay so im planning on turning this into a real, organized journal haha

lately i've been doing well. doing some good retricting, way less than 800 calories a day
i kind of munch on foods late at night, but then i throw them up later and my scale shows a lower number

right now i'm 144-145 pounds. meaning i've lost about 12 pounds this summer.
i really wanna lose 10 more before school, so that means some serious fasting needs to happen
i'd LOVEE love love to hit the 130's before school, (which starts septemeber 4th AHHH), even if that means 139 and i dont lose 10 more

so yeah, it's 3:31pm, havn't eaten today, s'all good. i'm just gonna eat at dinner and throw it up after

sarah incase you are wondering, i'm still alive haha

this past week i went to visit relatives in indiana
we went out to eat. every. single. day.
and each time in the restaurant i found myself in the restroom, making myself throw up
i'm surprised my family hasn't picked up on it
---gorge down the cheesey fries, make up an excuse and go to the bathroom to puke---
---slurp down the pasta and cheesecake, run to the bathroom---
---2nd plate of dessert from the all you can eat buffet, then skipping to the bathroom---
i guess i could now self-diagnose myself as bulimic.
this is crazy. i never ever thought i'd go down this road

anyhoo, miraculously i didnt gain any weight from being out there, but my face is looking GIGANTIC lately,
it's so weird.
this week i'm gonna eat oatmeal, and only oatmeal. haha
this is my LAST MONTH to get skinny before school. i want people to notice i lost MADDD weight.
this is my last chance, and i'm going to do it.

kay so basically
i suck
i'm gained like 4 pounds
all those days of fasting, a waste
i ate badly yesterday, but i worked out
ate badly at night friday
and today im not gonna be eating too well either

monday im doing heavy restricting
as in fasting
for at least 3 days
thats a definite

so i just made a fruit salad

3 cut up strawberries [12]
half a banana [60]
2/3 of a small apple [50]
14 blueberries [20] ish

making a total of 142 cals for that haha

i made the most amazing breakfast this morning

1 slice of whole wheat bread, toasted w/ a slice of tomato
2 scrambled egg whites with indian pepper seasoning
1 cup of baby carrots
1 cup of spinach w/ ketchup
1 salmon patty [that went on the toast] that was cooked with 1/3 tbsp of olive oil
1/2 cup of blueberries
hot green tea
calorie free cherry drink
1 oatmeal chewy bar
2 green tea pills

yeah it sounds like a lot, cause it kinda was hahah
a total of 510 calories. haha who cares, it tasted amazing and was SOOOO healthy it's unbelievable
i'm gonna go do a cardio bootcamp workout in hopes of burning all of that off, which i will :D

this morning i was 146.5. eh. i dont think i'll eat anything until dinner, thats fo sho. maybe no dinner.
and after my huge breakfast i was 149 with my thshirt and shorts on. uhh? haha

kay so i broke my fast at around 6pm today
i had two small bowls of kashi go lean! with no milk
some low cal no sugar added ice cream
blueberries

purged a little

then dinner came, chinese food
vegetable fried rice
tofu w/ broccoli

purged a little more

then i had two 85 cal ice cream pops
3 chewy bars

purged a little more

and now my scale says 148 with my cotton shorts and t shirt on
which is just fine with me, meaning tomorrow morning i'll be 146
i think i'll go out grocery shopping for the

( THREE DAY DIET PLAN )
and yeah i'll let y'all know how that goes. dunno if i'll definitley go shopping for it tomorrow though, if i dont im gonna have egg whites and broccoli for breakfast, then do an ultimate cardio bootcamp workout and we'll see from there.

bullshit though 10 lbs in 3 days?? pssh

so my fast was successful yesterday
i woke up at 146.5, which i think is too high actually considering the day before i was 147-148. ugh
whatever, im fasting today as well, it's 1:29pm.
i cant fucking sleep well! i laid in bed all night, slept for probably 2 hours and woke up at 8am. jesus

kay so i just woke up, it's 2pm and after my little binge horror show last night and my 60 ish hour fast
this morning i'm 147. which i'm actually okay with because my binge is kind of like an excuse.
when i started i was 151. but i feel like if i slip up just one day i'll bounce right back to that.

NO MORE 150'S FOR ERICA.

i'm about to go do a billy blanks ULTIMATE cardio bootcamp workout, in my underwear! haha so i'll be motivated not to quit. i've got all this thinspiration laying all over my moms bed [the room i work out in] so i can look at it the whole 55 minutes.

STAY STRONG EVERYONEEEE!

okay so i just binged on MORE stuff, meaning my whole binge consisted of:

blueberry cereal bar
peach parfait
ice cream
strawberries
2 1/2 bowls of cinnamon toast crunch
some of the dinner veggies
some rice w/ cheese
veggie chicken patty w/ ketchup

i suck much? i just purged, but i dont think i got everything up, but when i tried to throw up more, this gross tasting liquid came out so i stopped.

my scale now says 150.5. what the fuck is wrong with my body

nice way to end my fast though, right? jesus christ.

UGHHHHH

okay so i binged
2 1/2 bowls of cinnamon toast crunch
some of the dinner veggies my mom made
ice cream

i purged some of the veggies.

ugh i fucking suck.

im a loser
i'm eating cinnamon toast crunch cereal w/ soymilk


ugh i suck so much

fuck fuck
i just weighed myself
150.5



WTFWTFWTF.
i've been fasting for 3 days, and i've only lost half a pound? what?
okay obviously im gonna weigh like 2 pounds less tomorrow morning
and i've been drinking a shit load all day

but WTF. i expected to see at least 148.
omg. i think the hot chocolate really fucked me over
i better be peeing my brains out all of tonight. ugh.ughhhhhhhhhh!

today has been going good
this is the longest i've ever fasted for!
i'm on day three, and it's 4:34pm
and i'm actually not tempted to give in to eating, fantastic
somehow i gotta get out of dinner, AGAIN, tonight.

yesterday i told my mom that i was feeling naucious so she made me drink pepto bismol...yuck? and i didnt even really have a stomach ache at that point. i ended up drinking some of the smoothie my mom made and i purged it and the pepto bismol haha!

well yeah, tonight i'll just pretend i ate some of the food she made, since my family doesnt really eat dinner together.

for the past hour or so i've been printing out a shitload of thinspo and quotes, and i plan on making a collage in my little journal. i wanna measure myself too. i also plan on cleaningmy room really well and color coordinating my closet haaha, just to keep me busy

ugh so frustrating though, i feel like my body hasnt changed at all. i still havnt weighed myself, which is good, considering i would have been on and off the scale at least 934 times by now, i'm excited for saturday [my first weigh in since i started the fast]

mehmehmeh

so yeah, it's now 6:34pm, still on day 2 of my fast
i drank a ton of hot tea today, along with two packet things of hot chocolate
i dont know how many calories they were but yeah
i took a green tea hoodia pill
and 2 flinstones vitamins
and i think that fucked up my stomach because i felt really naucious and i ended up throwing up until i couldnt get anything out of me anymore. it wasn't intentional though so yeah. i think i threw up my pill which sucks

whateva. i'm drinking vanilla coke zero now. it tastes NARSTY

thats it

i want to lose weight for people to know and notice that i've lost weight without telling them
like super super super thin. as in losing 25 lbs + thin.
i want to know that my weight is at a number that i've never been at before.
that most people have never been at before. i want to have a beautiful outlook on life
i want to be known for my weight loss and how thin i am
i want to be known for looking sickly. i want people to worry.
it's a day by day thing and i can't afford to mess one up
and the past 2 days have been fuck up city. i've gained like 4 lbs.

i can't give in to my silly little temptations and cravings, it's fucking FOOD.
i can't let FOOD ruin my life and my body. this is my only chance to get skinny
it's now or never.
i only feel confident when my stomach is empty, so why do i continue to binge?
why do i keep fucking myself over?!
my body is a reflection of the kind of person i am
meaning according to my body, i have ZERO self control and ZERO discipline.
i need to change my body so people will know just how my mind works and thinks

therefore i'm fasting until saturday morning. six days.
i've never fasted for more than two.
i NEED to do this
i'm going to be seeing quite a few people on saturday
and i want them to see that i've clearly lost weight
i want it to be noticeable.
and the only way is to not eat until then.

i have to do this.

im fasting today
any takers?

fucking fatass fucking fatass
apparently i ate 3 brownies today
dumbass fatass
i hate myself so much

mehhh
so i was gonna fast today thinking 'hey i woke up at 3:00pm so thats half the day i spent no eating!
so yeah right now it's 7:00 pm and i just had a banana, small bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats, and a small bowl of strawberries and blueberries.

at least it was a tiny binge and on healthy foods
better luck tomorrow. or i'll just keep it small and healthy all day

im a failure!
i ended up eating today
we got to the mall and i thought 'hmmm will a smoothie break my fast?'
i got a wild berry smoothie
and i just felt like i ruined it
so i ended up eating kind of a lot today
and yeah
i didnt gain a lot of weight back though, only like 1 pound

so it's cool. im gonna fast tomorrow though and see what happens

sorrrry i let everyone down haha

ughh i feel super duper fat today
im on day 3 of my fast
i feel like my chewing and spitting and hot chocolate that i had yesterday messed me up
oh well, me feeling like shit today is more motivation to not eat

do you think taking my green tea/hoodia pills while im fasting is a bad idea?